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i_feel_the_shadows_depth
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Name: Lani (Allana)
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Birthday: 7/27/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Well I awoke in relief, my sheets and tubes were all tangled
Weak from whiskey and pills in a Chicago hospital
And my father was there in a chair by the window
Staring so far away
I tried talking, just whispered, "So sorry, so selfish."
He stopped me and said, "Child, I love you regardless
And there is nothing you could do that would ever change this
I'm not angry, it happens but you just can't do it again"
Expertise: -
Occupation: MD Analyst/Bar Manager/Perform
Industry: Business/Hospitality/Music
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/20/2005
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| It's time to run.
So I will run I'm sleeping again. Which means I'm dreaming..
Well.. dreaming isn't the word.
Ghost's from the past have suddenly re-appeared and are haunting me no end.
They came into my work.Four guys that I would kill if I could... That drugged me, held me down and violated me.. are back. Fuck them. They know I hate them. They know what i'd do to them if I could.. and yet, there they are, standing so smugly and expectantly on the other side of my bar eyeing me down like nothing has changed.
FUCK them. I quit my job.. I cried when I did it.. And I'm going back to Buller where no one will touch me. I'm still not well, so being in the snow and the cold will either kill me, or make me strong again. We will see. I'm not ok.. but being ok is becoming my mantra. My head is foggy and confused with a million different things that I'm trying to hold onto and slowly losing sight of. Part of me wants to scream, part of me wants to laugh.. Parts of me are exquisitely happy and other parts of me want this all to be over. I've realised that more than anything, this is a battle with myself.. And that scares me because either way I lose, right? I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm so all over the place at the moment that nothing seems to make sense. All I know is that on Wednesday morning, bright and early, I will be packing my crap into my car and getting the fuck out of here. I'll have internet access, on the upside.. so I'll still be myspacing and writing on my Xanga.. I'll be thinking of you Christie xxx Read this. Indigo Girls - Prince of Darkness.
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And i do not feel the romance i do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And i do not feel the romance i do not catch the spark I don't know when i noticed life was life at my expense
The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
The dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve
I said i have no way of feeding you, so leave
But there was a time i asked my father for a dollar
And he gave it a ten dollar raise
And when i needed my mother and i called her
She stayed with me for days
Now someone's on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
But i tried to make this place my place
I asked for providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
Yeah but i'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And i do not feel the romance i do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(by grace, my sight grows stronger)
And i do not feel the romance i will not be
(and i will not be a pawn for the prince of darkness any longer) Maybe there's no haven in this world for tender age
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve
And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
Oh the cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder
I was half the naked distance between hell and heavens ceiling
And he almost pulled me under
Now someone's on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
But i tried to make this place my place
I asked for providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But i'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And i do not feel the romance i do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
And i do not feel the romance i do not catch the spark By grace
My sight
Is growing stronger I will not be a pawn
For the prince of darkness any longer | | |
| I guess I kinda have to be quick..
Nowadays my patience wears thin sitting at the computer.. When everything hurts it's hard to concentrate on typing anything particularly meaningful.. but I felt it was definately time to update.. They've been searching me and my body high and low to try and figure out what is going on inside of me. So far there are still more questions then answers, but we're getting there. I've come to realise that this is one of those.. 'In for the long haul' type of things and I need to commit myself to being, getting, better. I turned to.. alternative.. methods of pain relief, because the ones I was given weren't working for me.. My life ground to a halt simply because I got to the point I couldn't will myself to move anymore. But I'm ok now... I'm ok. I'm working again.. Which is really important for me. I feel.. strangely empty when I don't have my job. It's a part of who I am, an extension of who I am maybe. Allows me to shine in the ways that I want to. It's a social outlet, not to mention my independence and freedom to support myself and my lifestyle.. So suffice to say, I'm all smiles most of the time, and all of the time when I'm at work. I need it, and I feel better now that I'm not stuck inside my own four walls feeling like I'm dying. So.. There were two parasites inside me.. Both in different parts of my digestive system.. Hence my somewhat dramatic weight loss (45pounds approx) But they're now gone, or on their way out.. They've done some damage though, and my body is slowly repairing that I guess.. Slooooowly.
The doctors are saying that they think the option of cancer has been narrowed down to my brain or my bowels. Odd combination, I know.. but now that bone cancer has been eliminated, we're left with bowel (The original diagnosis) or brain.. Neural.. whatever they can find. It sounds like grasping at straws, I know.. but it's more a very meticulous process of elimination. Eh, what a terrible entry. So.. drab. I have a photo.. from work.. I have two actually.. So I'll make sure I attach them for you.. I hope all is well with everyone? This entry has been so cold and selfish.. I didn't even ask?
I hope you're all safe and well.. Christie.. Thankyou.. Thankyou for your on-going support and for thinking of me the way you do. Thankyou to your friends also, and anyone else that's taken the time to think of me. I appreciate it.
Sincerely x 
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| So.. I'm pretty sure that Christie, you're the only person who reads my Xanga anymore.. and that suits me fine, because I figure it's time to fill you in my dear. I've been sick.. like.. crazy sick. I was dying. My body was literally shutting down on me and I didn't know til it was almost too late.. Now I find out that It's very possible that I have cancer. Yeah. Cancer. I fucking hate that word. It's funny how just when you think that you're going to be ok, life bitch-slaps you right back down to the depths again. Apparently thinking positive is the key.. So that's what I'm trying to do.. but right now.. I'm shitty. At the world, at myself for not listening to my gut instincts.. They've never been wrong before. Bowel cancer in someone my age is really rare.. Doctor tells me not to worry just yet.. Shitty though, that I have to wait a month to find out if I'm potentially going to die or not. Ergh, I don't even know what to say. I don't know why I'm so fucking angry. This is sounding like a sob story and I'm not seeking sympathy.. I just don't think this is quite fair. But I guess no-one ever does. It's just that I thought things were getting better, you know? I was on top of all the emotional shit.. and then here comes this to blindside me on some normal, boring Friday morning. Fuck it. Surely there's more to my life then waiting for the next dissapointment. I'm a strong believer in hope, but right now.. I'm finding it hard to hold onto. I just.. need to scream or something. I need to rant and rave and yell and not be ok, because I'm sick of pretending that I am. I choke back the tears so that no one hears them.. I palm everything off and make light of it because I question whether I am strong enough to cope with my friends/family on my case. My mum harrasses me constantly, through love of course, and worry.. but it's grating and grating to the point where I'm biting back constant smart ass comments that I know would really upset her. I didn't tell her the extent of what's wrong, because I knew she'd flip.. and I can't deal with that. When the doctor told her I nearly died.. yah, you can imagine how that went down.. and Oh, by the way.. Your daughter probably has cancer. Yeah. Good one. You're joking, right?? I'm so angry. I don't know if it's normal to react like this. Is it normal to have heaps of people care and still feel totally completely alone in this? I think I'm over-reacting because I'm still really sick.. I'm in pain 24/7, I can't sleep, I haven't eaten for nearly two weeks.. I'm anemic, exausted and still keeping up the farce at work. Well, not anymore.. I ruined that when I collapsed the other night. Yep. In front of everyone, behind the bar. Just.. blacked out. I'm turning into the antichrist. A whining, pissed off bitch. But I don't know what else to do. I get angry when I'm scared. I don't know what to do. 
Play (Crack the Sky)
Brand New. (This song.. is my newest obsession. It's my anthem. So so sad, so hopeless.
Every single word.. is like they understand.) Sent out the s.o.s. Call.
It was a quarter past four in the morning
When the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded
In the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.
They call them rogues; they travel fast and alone--
one-hundred-foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere
By some wave and end up on your own.
A hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts, to bail us out.
It flooded the engine and radio, half-buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips,
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you, come off-course while you sleep,
Sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans; the ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts,
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
But this ain't the Dakota; the water's cold. (So cold.)
Won’t have to fight for long.
(This is the end.)
This story's old, (this is the end) but it goes on and on until we disappear.
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me (this is the calm) taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath.
(We are the resin)
i am the one (we are the resin) who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words (after the storm) but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
(Rest here with thee,)
i know that this (rest in the deep) is what you want.
(Washed up on the beach.)
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know (washed up on the beach.) that you are not alone.
I need you like water in my lungs.
(This is the end.)
This story's old, (this is the end) but it goes on and on until we disappear.
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste (this is the calm) the salt you breathed while you were underneath.
(We are the resin)
i am the one who (we are the resin) haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words (after the storm) but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
(Rest here with thee,)
i know that this (rest here with thee) is what you want.
(Washed up on the beach.)
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know (washed up on the beach.) that you are not alone.
i need you like water in my lungs.
(this is the end.)
x | | |
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(Sky from my window.) Well, It's time I swallowed that bitter little pill and moved on..
So I have.
I missed writing here. Missed my musings on life, and love.. and loss.
I missed you guys.. Chris. Adam. Chris, you know.. No matter what I say, I'll never forget you. I'll always have alot of love for you, whether you choose to love back or not. You'll always be in my heart. --- So two months.. Two months til all of this comes together and I spend my days even happier and more content than I do already.
My love...
You make every day speed past faster. Your voice, your touch.. your hold on me.
You make me complete.
I crave you when you're not here. --- I have a great new song for you guys to check out, if you want to.. It's called: '20 Good reasons'
By Thirsty Merc. Such a beautiful song. ---
(Me laughing.. Don't know what it was. Probably Ryan.) "I will follow you into the dark."
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
♥ | | |
| So.. Apparently I fucked up or something.. Maybe it's best I leave the Xanga world for a while. Since I've come back, it's seemed like I've done nothing right, and most things wrong, and I'm done. I give up. I love this site.. and I love the friends I have made.. The way it's gotten me through.. and I thought that maybe I was helping you guys in my own way too.. But apparently, I don't belong here anymore.. or something, so I'm gonna leave it be.
However, I do care too much to close my site.. I'll probably keep posting, but I'll do it on private. I'm sorry.
For everything. ~Allana. 
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